Understanding Your Choices When You Are a Surrogacy Candidate

Meeting the requirements is important, but so is knowing your personal preferences for a surrogacy match.

At ARTparenting, we know your superpower is your ability to have a baby for someone else! We also know that while there are specific requirements that you must meet to become a surrogate, relating to age, financial stability, family support, and other relevant topics, there are other considerations too.

Your health history is an important factor in your eligibility. After you have reviewed those specifics, there are other, perhaps less obvious things to think about that are related to your lifestyle, your family, your likes and dislikes, and personal preferences. Your needs and desires for the surrogacy journey are just as important as the parents’ in making just the right match for everyone. It’s vital that you share these preferences if you have them early on so that your surrogacy experience can be everything that you want it to be.

Here are things to think about as you approach the surrogacy journey that you might not even have thought were that important to you. Your feelings about these matters will help us make the “best fit” for you with intended parents.

Location of the intended parent

Sometimes a surrogate is matched with intended parents who happen to be in her immediate geographic area or within easy driving distance. More often, though, the “perfect fit” is with intended parents who may live in another state, or even overseas. While we all know that it is fairly easy to maintain good communication with each other no matter where you live in relation to each other, with so many avenues available to connect these days including FaceTime, Zoom, and WhatsApp, the geographic location of the intended parents may indeed be important to you. We are very happy to discuss this together if you are not sure how you feel, or what you should in fact consider. That said, even when your intended parents are further away from you, we will be coordinating medical testing and monitoring close to you. You will need to travel to the intended parents’ IVF center for embryo transfer of course. Do keep in mind, any travel arrangements are something we will assist you with.

Are you open to helping intended parents from other countries?

Some of ARTparenting’s intended parent clients come from other countries. That does not mean you will have to travel overseas. It is the intended parents who will travel to the US for the IVF process, and also down the road, perhaps during the pregnancy and for sure for the delivery. We do want to know if you would be open to working with intended parents from another part of the world. Many surrogates and their families find the experience educational, rewarding, and even a bit enlightening.

What kind of relationship do you envision with the intended parents?

The surrogacy arrangement is a partnership between you and the intended parents. While it is a contractual one, of course, it is also a personal one. And each partnership is as unique as the people are. Some intended parents and surrogates become very close, and some become lifelong friends — almost “family,” staying in touch months or years after the birth. Others prefer to keep it a cordial but strictly professional relationship. This is all a matter of personal preference and of course chemistry. You will find that generally, the intended parents will take their cue from you, at least initially. The most important thing to keep in mind is that open and honest communication is the key. While this is all true, it is good to know from the outset what you envision is your ideal in terms of the relationship you are seeking with intended parents.

Contact during pregnancy is a matter of personality, style, and temperament on the part of the intended parents and surrogates. There are many arrangements where intended parents and surrogates are in close touch during the pregnancy, attending pre-natal checkups and screenings together, or excitedly sharing ultrasound images via Zoom or Skype. There are even cases where intended parent(s) will see a surrogate and her husband or partner socially, visiting or having dinner together occasionally. This may or may not be the kind of relationship that works for you. Again, we want to hear from you what you feel is important for your journey and for success. Keep in mind, of course, that the in-person get-togethers and even being part of appointments is currently tempered by the coronavirus pandemic and any particular requirements and guidelines.

Language differences between surrogates and intended parents

One of the most important things between intended parents and surrogates is communication. Occasionally, there will be a language difference. Would you be comfortable being matched with a couple whose language is different from your own? The truth is most intended parents speak English no matter where they are from, but we do want to make sure you are comfortable regardless.

Religion and surrogacy

At ARTparenting, we work with couples, individuals, and surrogates from all cultures and faiths, and we respect all traditions. We always want to be made aware if intended parents or surrogates have personal beliefs that may impact the “match” in this regard. Remember, this is a very personal journey and we want to ensure we are taking every consideration into account.

Same-sex couples and surrogacy

As we all know, families come in all shapes, sizes, and kinds. At ARTparenting, we often assist same-sex couples in building their families. Many of our surrogates find this experience especially joy-filled and rewarding.

Repeat or second-surrogacy journeys

Often, after a successful pregnancy and birth, a year or two later the intended parents will come back and want the same surrogate to help them build their family further and enter into a second surrogacy arrangement. A surrogate is never, ever obligated to do this — but it is possible and is something you may want to think about down the road. We also have many surrogates who offer to carry a baby for another couple after a successful and rewarding first journey. If there is anything that you learned about yourself or the process during your first surrogacy that you now realize is important to you, do not hesitate to share before you move forward with surrogate baby number two (or three).

Are there things in your past that you worry may impact your surrogacy candidacy?

ARTparenting is a no-judgment zone. While full disclosure of events in your past that perhaps you’d rather forget is usually necessary, such as substance abuse, we can talk about these issues openly and honestly to determine their impact on your eligibility, if any. Fear of discussing your personal history should never, ever stop you from inquiring about surrogacy. It is an amazing thing you are considering doing for another person, and we would never want you to feel that your path to helping someone else is blocked before considering all of the issues together. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

We have only scratched the surface of the topics that come up in the matching process between intended parents and surrogates. Thinking about your preferences is a great way to prepare yourself and to get clear in your own mind what you would want your surrogacy journey to look like — so that we can make it happen as you have dreamed it!

Why not take the next step and open a dialogue? Contact us with questions of your own or begin an application to become a gestational surrogate!