What Surrogates May Expect Post-Delivery
Following the birth of a baby, virtually every surrogate feels a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
What comes after that?
As someone who is interested in becoming a surrogate, you no doubt think about the excitement and the wonder of bringing a child into the world for someone else. It’s an incredible journey, and a generous and beautiful act to help others build a family. Many intended parents will tell you that you are making their dreams come true, and that you are “an angel.” All true!
While being matched with intended parents, sharing the anticipation and rewards of pregnancy, and presenting the parents with their newborn are all unforgettable experiences — it is important for surrogates to know what they can expect after the delivery too.
At ARTparenting, we want the surrogates we partner with to be aware of and to think about the often-overlooked period after the delivery. Remember, ARTparenting’s relationship with our surrogates does not end in the delivery room. We are with you during every step of your surrogacy journey — before, during, and after.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS
One of the most important things is to talk early on with the intended parents about what you may desire and anticipate regarding contact, ongoing relationship, and staying in touch after the birth of their baby. Managing your respective expectations from an early stage will ensure a smooth journey and a transition after birth.
Every surrogate/parent relationship is different, of course, made up of all the people in partnership together. Because no two relationships are the same, you will want to have this discussion with your intended parents so everyone is on the same page from the start. We help facilitate this initial conversation and encourage everyone to be open and honest about their own desires and particular expectations.
THE SURROGATE / PARENT RELATIONSHIP AFTER DELIVERY
There is no single roadmap for what your relationship with the parent(s) will look like after delivery. Some parties become lifelong friends. Others may not have as close a relationship by design. It all depends on what everyone wants and, as with any relationship, what naturally develops over time.
At ARTparenting, we always want you to share with us what your desire is, right from the start. The good news is we generally find intended parents are very open. The relationship with the surrogate grows organically, with everyone deciding together what kind of contact feels right both during the pregnancy, and after delivery. It is important to be open with us from the beginning so we can help manage everyone’s expectations. There are a few things to bear in mind:
A surrogate’s close communication with the intended parent(s), and the intense bonding that can happen over the nine months of pregnancy and in the delivery room can make the sudden loss of that same intense contact post-delivery a bit disorienting. This is normal.
Whatever you and the parent(s) decide, you will both always have special places in each other’s hearts and lives. That said, neither of you should feel obligated or pressured to have a particular kind of relationship going forward. They have lives of their own, and so do you.
The key is honest and open communication along the way about what both parties feel they want and need, and then respecting whatever boundaries are mutually set.
In our experience, while some parents and surrogates become lifelong best friends and some do not, very few want to cut off contact completely.
SUPPORT FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS
We always stress how important it is to have support from your spouse or partner, family, and friends during pregnancy — but support is also important after delivery. The weeks following the birth should be a time of rest and self-care for surrogates. The postpartum help and assistance of loved ones plays an important role in your recovery, both physical and emotional.
Every woman who delivers a baby has a different experience and timetable. In planning for the days and weeks after delivery, remember that:
Because you have your own children, as all surrogates do, make certain that you have help with child care, if you need.
Remember how important friends and relatives are at a time like this and reach out for support to share your experience. And do reach out to us at ARTparenting, too. We want to know how you are doing.
Accept the kindness of others. Even though you are not caring for a new baby, in a time when your body and your brain are re-grouping, a meal delivered or an offer from a neighbor to pick up groceries may be very welcome.
BLUES AND DEPRESSION POST-DELIVERY
What used to be quaintly called “baby blues,” and is now labeled postpartum depression, affects a percentage of new mothers, and in most cases feelings of anxiety, sadness, or irritability are short-lived. For surrogates, there can be a sudden feeling of a shift in responsibility upon the baby’s delivery, which can be jarring. For an even smaller percentage of women, symptoms of depression following delivery are more intense, and when they are serious, can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation.
Most physicians attribute postpartum depression to the normal change in hormone levels during and after pregnancy. But if they persist, honest communication with family and friends, and seeking the appropriate care, are critical for your own health and well-being.
YOUR POST-PREGNANCY BODY
Gestational surrogates undergo the same physical challenges as in any pregnancy. Labor and delivery are strenuous even when you are not bringing a baby home. It’s crucial to give yourself time to bounce back, and to make sure that your spouse, partner, support people, and children understand that too.
Of course, your pregnant body will begin to produce milk for the baby. Surrogates will not breastfeed, so there may be some discomfort as your breasts fill with milk; however, many surrogates choose to pump and provide breast milk to their intended parents for their baby. You should discuss this with the intended parents before delivery if this is something you would like to agree to do, or to even consider. Some surrogates choose to donate breast milk to a preemie bank. We can assist with making this connection if you are interested after delivery.
ANOTHER SURROGACY?
We often find that parents and surrogates decide together that the surrogate will help the parents build their family further by carrying another baby for them. This is, of course, totally the surrogate’s prerogative. If this is something that you decide you are open to, ARTparenting will facilitate the conversation with the IVF clinic (and the intended parents too of course) to find out the ideal time between pregnancies, and of course to assist in journey for baby number two!
DELIVERY DURING COVID
With all surrogate deliveries, the intended parents expect to be in the delivery room for the birth of their children. That said, as with many aspects of life during the pandemic that have had to be re-thought, hospital delivery rooms are no exception.
Since the advent of COVID 19, procedures and protocols vary from hospital to hospital, depending on infection levels and public health guidance across regions. This is ever-changing at this time. Some hospitals will only allow in one support person — often times the spouse or partner of the surrogate — and will arrange for a room for the intended parents to wait in so they are close by to be with their baby right after birth. Other hospitals are allowing both the gestational surrogate’s support person in the delivery room, and at least one, if not both intended parents (when there are two).
When it is close to delivery time, ARTparenting will facilitate the discussion with the hospital to best understand their current policy, so everyone will know what to expect and be able to plan accordingly. In all cases in any event, we will assist all parties to develop their own unique birth-plan to share with the hospital prior to delivery.
SHARE YOUR STORY!
No matter how your journey unfolds together, know that surrogacy is a priceless experience and the rewards are real.
We often hear from the surrogates we have worked with that their experience was so much more than they expected — in a good way. We hear over and over again that the partnership was perfect, and that they would not change a thing. We would love to hear this from you too!
Please don’t hesitate to share your story with us! It’s by sharing your experiences that others will understand the wonder and miracle of a surrogacy journey!